


Ashes to Ashes

by AvenuePotter



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-11 02:52:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4418303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvenuePotter/pseuds/AvenuePotter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buffy runs into her two ex-lovers Post-Apocalypse (to be more specific - after Angel Season 5).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

She turns on the water. 

Tucking a golden lock behind her ear, she follows by pulling up the silver spigot, forcing the running water to turn into a fine hot spray. 

She is covered in ash - Angel’s ash. It is time to remove him. 

A tear leaks unbidden out of the corner of her eye, mingling with Angel’s remains as it forms into a single drop at the baseline of her jaw. 

She looks down into the stark white porcelain as the black drop loses its grip on her chin. It suddenly splatters into the tub. The pounding water turns it into a small rivulet that courses its way down towards its final destination. 

She watches in morbid fascination as the first piece of Angel washes down the drain.


	2. Chapter 2

The world was ending - AGAIN. She didn’t know how much more of this she could take. Even though she and Faith had worked diligently over the past few months to train all the new Slayers, the odds were still even – thousands of newly minted Slayers versus all the demons from hell. She was so tired of this. God, what had Angel been thinking? 

Giles, her former watcher and mentor was directing all of the Slayers in a worldwide effort to contain this most recent apocalypse. They were hoping it wouldn’t stretch beyond California. Giles had given her specific instructions to meet up with Faith in downtown Los Angeles where the worst of the damage was occurring, and she was on her way. 

She and Faith were the strongest and definitely the most experienced Slayers of the lot. The mass of younger Slayers were still so green. She had been doing her best to train them so she and Faith could someday retire to a semblance of a ‘normal life’ without all this darkness. And now this. Damn Angel to Hell. 

Angel? Why was it always Angel? He just HAD to go and open up the portals of hell in the city he had chosen as his home after fleeing from her. She was more than a little irritated at the inconvenience. 

Just like her father, Angel had abandoned her. She knew her slaying had driven a wedge between her parents. No one had to tell her - she knew the truth. She had driven her father off, just like Angel; except Angel hadn’t left because she was a Slayer and he a Vampire (the true target of her calling). No, that would have been far too simple. Angel had nothing to fear from her and she had nothing to fear from him, so it wasn’t that - regardless of what he had said. She sighed. She had no clue why he had really left her.   
When he left he had taken some of her entourage with him - another former watcher, Wesley, Cordelia, and even Faith had helped him out from time to time - far away from her influence. Faith had been especially effective the last time his inner demon had been unleashed. Buffy supposed that the Dark Slayer in Faith was a good complement and foe to the darker nature that resided in her ex-love. 

After Angel had left her, Buffy had been plagued with feelings of uselessness even though for much of that time she had been the only active Slayer in the world. Her sole mission in life was to keep vampires and demons at bay and she was very effective. But it just wasn’t enough. No matter how good a Slayer she was, she could never make everything alright. She knew that Angel was perpetually tormented by his curse - and that she was the last person on earth who could ever help him to heal. His fate was completely out of her hands and he had chosen to keep his distance from her. The pain of his loss had worn on her over the years, whittling her away to a ghost of what she had been - leaving her devoid of any tender feelings. 

And now he had turned Los Angeles into Los Diablos, the City of Devils. She grinned wryly. It fit. Angelus was the demon that Angel harbored within - the true vampire - the monster at the very core of who he was. Angel was just a poor soul trapped in the eternal corpse that a lad, Liam, had so negligently, so easily given up to Angelus centuries ago. Had Liam’s life really been that bad? 

Was Buffy’s life so different? Would she have surrendered so easily to the lure of a vampire? Yes - and she had. There had also been another after Angel. But that vampire was only given possession of her body - never her soul. Spike had been the only thing that had made her feel alive after a while - the impassioned yielding of her flush living flesh in stark contrast to his cold, hard, demanding strength. So like Angel. . . 

She suddenly realized that she understood Liam’s decision intimately though it had confounded her for years. After all, what more was she now than a corpse wandering around inside a living body? She was the shell that had contained Buffy Summers, the girl who had loved so readily and given everything away to the soul inhabiting a haunted corpse - Angel - and been burned. She was no longer that girl. 

She grabbed her crossbow and stakes and headed out into the night to meet up with Faith.


	3. Chapter 3

“So, B, why do you think Angel did it?” 

This was the very first thing Faith said to Buffy - not even prefacing it with a hello. 

From what she understood, Angel had been busy in Los Angeles fighting the evil power, Wolfram & Hart, which was why the current circumstance was so unfathomable to her. She had heard reports that Angel was now running the place. And now with this insane madness, she wondered to herself if he really had turned. Her stomach turned over at the possibilities. Thank goodness they were jumped by a posse of vampires before she could mutter her thoughts. 

“Faith, can’t you see I’m a little busy here?” 

“You look like you can handle three at a time, B. I’ve got my hands full with these four losers.” 

The sound of Buffy grunting was the only reply. Faith chuckled with glee as she quickly dusted two vamps and a couple of hell spawn. 

As Buffy finished off her last demon she turned to glare at Faith, “How can you be so casual when the world is ending?” 

“Again.” Faith grinned broadly and pulled a cigarette from her jacket. 

Buffy smiled tightly, a little wryly, and then let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. “Yes, the world is ending - again. And it’s all up to us to stop it - again. Ridiculous isn’t it?” 

“Yes. And this time Angel did it. Seriously, Buffy, I’m worried.” She lit up the cigarette and started puffing. 

Faith worried? Buffy studied the other Slayer as she quickly smoked the cigarette to the butt, her other hand bouncing nervously against her thigh. Buffy began to get a little worried herself, but then they were jumped before she could think too much about it. 

After they had finished off yet another horde of demons, there was a longer pause in the action - no demons or vamps within sense range of the territory they had chosen to defend. This downtime did not appeal to either of them. Their ingrained primal urges just wanted to slay at a time like this. The break in action made them both restless. 

Faith continued the conversation where she had left it; what could have become of Angel weighed heavily on her mind. “I know those Wolfram & Hart people, B. They ain’t alright. I know Angel made the pact to join them with good intentions, but I think even he’s over his head. I mean, look at the mess he’s made.” 

Buffy was getting very restless - she knew something was wrong about this situation - something beyond this most recent apocalypse. But she did not want to think about it - not now. She let out a feisty, “Let it drop, Faith. I don’t want to talk about it.” 

“Looks like you’ll get your wish.” 

“Huh?” Buffy began, but then she sensed it, too. Another army of vamps. Easy. They were trained to do this - they were wired for this. She jumped up and joined the fight - she just hoped that the other more inexperienced Slayers were having as much success as she and Faith were at keeping these monsters at bay. 

******** 

Sometime during the fighting Buffy had somehow been disarmed of her crossbow and gone through all her stakes. Yes, dying demons liked to run away howling with her wooden instruments of death buried deep inside of them. She made a mental note to herself - kill vampires with stakes - kill demons with other things. Things she already knew, but worrying about Angel and getting battle weary was causing her to lose her edge. At this point, she was completely disarmed. 

“Faith?” 

“In a minute, B.” 

“No, now Faith. I need a weapon.” 

A long, heavy, sharp metal object was tossed her way. She caught it instinctively. As her hand tightened around the cold slick grip, and she pulled the gleaming metal to her face, she realized she held a sword in her hands. She preferred not to fight with swords. And she had good reason. 

Swords always brought back memories of Angel from when he had lost his soul, abandoning her to his inner demon. Painful memories. She began lopping off heads. How was she to know that making him happy would cause his inner demon to have free reign over the body they shared? Curse indeed. 

The vampire Angelus had been bestowed with a soul as punishment - a soul that would cause his conscience to haunt him. And it had - for decades. Until Buffy. 

The curse was put upon to make him suffer remorse for the rest of his undead life. But he didn’t understand about the “happiness clause.” And neither did Buffy, until they stumbled upon it together. Unfortunately the bliss he felt with Buffy had triggered the release of his soul. Later, Angel had no desire to return to his evil ways once his soul had been restored. It’s an excuse that has kept them apart all of these years. 

As Buffy turned vampires to dust with the sword that weighed heavily in her hand, she recalled all the nasty things Angel did to her while under the influence of his unsouled demon, Angelus. The vamps half-screamed in agony as she swiped her blade though them. Their screams were cut off by her cool precision. She had once buried a sword deep into her vampire lover. . . 

******** 

She had woken up in an empty bed. 

“Angel?” she called, but he never came. 

After such a beautiful, passionate night that had made her think she was blissfully happy, she ended up finding herself completely alone. She had called his name a few more times, her neediness echoing out into the still air. Angel’s place seemed so creepy, so dead, without him there. She quickly got out of bed, and put her clothes on from the night before. Why was she starting to feel ashamed? 

She hadn’t realized what had happened to Angel when she went looking for him later that evening. She found him easily at his home. But when she expressed her concern, he had just responded with unbearable coldness. She had truly believed that this couldn’t happen to her - this stuff only happened to other girls. Yet there stood Angel, mocking her, throwing the gift of her virginity back in her face. 

It was only later that she, Giles, Miss Calendar, and her friends pieced it all together. Angel had reverted to the evil Angelus. He had been stripped of his soul. The hellish nightmare continued, and she knew it was her duty to kill him. To kill the body that had once held the soul of the only man she would ever love. 

Xander had been blithe in his advice to her. 

“He’s a vampire, you’re the Slayer. I think it’s obvious what you need to do here.” He had followed this up with a gesture, his hands mimicking the staking of a vampire.

Buffy had gulped. She had known he was right. 

And she had ended it with a sword. Not unlike the one she held in her hand now. 

She cleanly swiped of the heads of three vamps in a row with one quick sweep of her blade. She vaguely heard Faith’s “Damn, B” in the background of her conscious, because in her mind she was still with Angelus on that fateful day when she had to take him out. 

She replayed every second of that sword fight with him. She really didn’t want to, but she knew she had to kill Angelus. Had to kill the monster that had opened the gate to hell and was about to unleash untold fury upon the world. But by the time she had driven the sword though him, he was no longer Angelus. Angel, her true love, had returned to her. Inexplicably, he had regained his soul at the last minute. But she had had to kill the monster anyway. 

“B? Buffy! Girl, watcha doing? Just kill him already. There’s no need to leave him hanging like that unless you’re leaving a message - a grim one.” Faith’s last comment got through to her. 

“Huh?” Buffy came back to the present and looked at the tall vamp in front of her. Brown spikey hair, brown eyes, black duds. He could almost pass for Angel. Almost. Before she even thought about it, she pushed the sword further in through his gut and twisted the shaft deep into the tree. He howled. 

“Damn, girl. What’s gotten into you?” Faith came up behind her for the mercy kill. The vamp dusted right before her eyes. “I didn’t even have to do any fighting that round, B. You took them all out yourself.” 

“I don’t like fighting with swords.” Buffy withdrew the instrument from the tree and threw it to the ground. 

“No shit.” Faith studied the tree. Buffy was still staring where the vamp’s eyes had been, and she was frozen in place, haunted. Faith’s tone softened, “Is it Angel?” 

“Yes. It’s always Angel.”


	4. Chapter 4

“This is getting boring,” Faith complained. 

“What, you mean you can’t let twenty minutes pass by with no killing?” Buffy quipped. 

“You know there are more demons out there. You can feel it too.” 

Buffy sighed and leaned against a tree, “Yes, yes I can.” 

There was more silence and then finally Faith’s cell phone rang. She answered it with a flippant, “What up G?” 

Buffy could hear her Watcher’s very prissy British voice answer Faith indignantly, “Would you please refrain from calling me that? You sound like a gangster.” 

“Hey, I’m fresh outta the joint, G. Whattya expect?” she winked over at Buffy who couldn’t help but grin a bit. 

“Tell Buffy we need you two to split up - to cover more ground. This situation is quickly getting out of control. . .” Faith paced out of earshot then hung up and walked back over to Buffy with Giles’ directions. 

Buffy bade Faith goodnight and goodbye, uncharacteristically hugging her. There was a good chance that this would be the last time that they ever saw each other again. 

******** 

She found that there was nary a demon to kill along the way. Which was good - Giles’ coordination of efforts appeared to be keeping large sections of the city safe. She felt good about having him at the helm once again. It had been a long time since he had retired as her Watcher and left her to her own devices. 

“Buffy?” 

Buffy slowed her pace and turned towards the familiar voice she heard behind her. “Cordelia? What are you doing here? Where’s Angel?” 

“I think what you really want to ask is how is Angel? Has he completely lost his mind?” Cordelia laughed as if she hadn’t a care in the world and slinked her arm through Buffy’s. “So, where are we going?” 

For someone who appeared to be self-centered, Cordelia could be remarkably perceptive. It wasn’t the first time Buffy had wondered about this. Was her princess persona really just an elaborate defense mechanism? Buffy decided to take the bait, “OK, Cordy, how IS Angel? Has he completely lost his mind?” 

But Cordelia didn’t answer her question. Instead she took a different tack, “I’m so glad I found you. You need to know about the Sanshu prophecy.” 

“Sand shoe?” Buffy furrowed her brow. 

“I don’t have much time, but I just had to tell you. Angel has a chance to become human again.” Cordelia began to bounce with her steps. Buffy couldn’t understand why that would make Cordelia so happy. Maybe she and Angel were closer than she thought. . . An old nagging jealousy began to surface. 

Uncannily perceptive, Cordelia instantly read her look, “Oh, it’s not like that between Angel and me, don’t worry.” 

She let out another giggle. Her jubilation in this time of peril was starting to get annoying. “Just tell me what I need to know, Cordy. Time is running out, and I need to be somewhere.” 

“Oh, look at you,” Cordelia reached out and stroked Buffy’s face with a motherly look in her eyes. “Ever the Slayer.” 

Her gesture completely unnerved Buffy, and she didn’t have time for this strangeness. “Spit it out Cordy.” 

She could feel the demons closing in around them and was starting to get agitated. 

“OK, here’s how it goes. When the end of days is nigh,” she looked up to the sky and chuckled once more, “It looks like its nigh! Dragons and hellspawn everywhere!” 

“Come on, Cordy.” 

“Oh, yes,” Cordelia settled down once more, stopped walking, and looked directly at Buffy this time, “At the end of days, the vampire with a soul has a crucial part to play. The prophecies don’t know which side he’ll choose - good or evil, but if he chooses wisely, he will be rewarded. He will be restored.” 

Buffy just stared at her dumbly. “And you’re telling me this why?” 

“Buffy. Angel could become human again - this is his big chance!” she was floating now. “Aren’t you the least bit excited?” 

As the implications sank in, Buffy genuinely smiled for the first time in ages and had to admit, “Well, yeah.” 

“‘Well, yeah?’ that’s all you have say?” 

With Cordelia’s unusual perception tonight, Buffy felt compelled to play it close to the vest. Her mind was processing the possibilities as fast as any supercomputer, but her thoughts were none of Cordy’s business. She suppressed her smile and instead just gave her a blank look. 

“Anyway, he has to make the right choice - can you help him do that?” 

Buffy looked up at the sky again to see a particularly menacing looking dragon swoop down between two buildings. “It sure looks like he could use some help in that department right now.” 

“Yes he could.” 

“You sure it’s not too late?” 

Cordelia hesitated, “Hmm, I hadn’t thought about that one. We’d better hurry, I know where he is.” 

She proceeded to tell Buffy a location - it happened to be the exact same location that Giles had given her. Wow! After all this time, she really WAS going to see Angel tonight. The anticipation tied her stomach in knots. “I’m heading that way anyway, let’s go.”   
Buffy led the way down the alley while Cordelia fell into silence. And she was . . . floating. Something began to tickle Buffy’s mind. Hadn’t she heard that Cordelia was. . . 

Suddenly, she didn’t hear footsteps behind her anymore. “Hey, Cordelia, I thought you were. . .” Buffy stopped and turned “. . . dead.” 

Now that was wicked. Buffy was in the alleyway all alone. She shuddered. 

Her mind filled with thoughts of Angel, Cordelia, and herself. She continued on her way, muttering under her breath, “Gawd, does ANYONE stay dead anymore? You’d think mortality was going out of style.”


	5. Chapter 5

As she was nearing the location where she was supposed to be, a thin blonde man barreled into her, knocking her to the ground. He was breathing heavy and bleeding all over her. She could have used her Slayer powers to just shove him off, but he was human, and injured, so she didn’t want to harm him. As she began to carefully maneuver underneath him he began moaning, “Help me. Help me, please.” 

She went cold and still. She knew that voice. She pulled his face up roughly by the nape of his neck. It was the voice of her other lover - the other vampire. “Spike?” 

“Nice to see you, too, luv,” he grimaced. “You’re hurting me.” 

“Oh, sorry about that,” Buffy supported his head a little more gently. “I didn’t expect to see you . . .” 

“Alive?” 

“Yes, and not just alive but well, alive.” She thought back to the last time she had seen him - when she had twined her hand in his as he burst into flames before her eyes.

Before she could even digest that Spike was somehow HERE and in human form, he let out an involuntary groan of pain. Buffy was perplexed. “What’s wrong?” 

“If we don’t get out of here soon, he’s going to kill me. You’ve gotta help me, Buffy.” 

“Who? Who’s after you?” 

Spike gave Buffy a look of complete defeat, then hung his head. He muttered, “Your love.” 

Why did those words fill her with dread? 

And then she heard him. Angelus. 

“Well, well, what do we have here?” A long black coat swirled around, smacking Buffy in the face as the tall, dark, and very frightening demon that took up residence in her former lover’s body crouched down to inspect the two blonde humans, tangled in each others’ arms. 

“Hello lover,” Angelus’ standard greeting turned her blood ice cold. “Well guess who got the Sanshu? It sure as hell wasn’t me! I see you’re not wasting any time there, Spikey-boy. Go on, give us a show.” 

Buffy looked up into the sadistically leering grin that made a mockery of Angel’s fine features. “You’ll never get anything from me.” 

He crouched down over the two of them and stroked Buffy’s hair, tenderly, possessively. “Is that so? That sounds like a challenge.” 

Spike instinctively slapped his hand away, “Don’t you touch her.” 

With that Angelus grabbed Spike and launched him up off of Buffy with a growl. “I can do whatever I damn well please with her. She’s MINE.” 

Spike hit the wall behind them and slid down. Blood started oozing from his mouth. Buffy could see that his internal injuries were quite severe. Tears sprang to her eyes. It was obvious that he was going to die for sure tonight. 

Buffy thought back to how Spike had heroically sacrificed his life. The tragedy of it was she wouldn’t admit to herself just how much she had grown to care for him until it was way too late. She had used him for the comfort he provided - for the comfort he so willingly gave. And even though she had told him that she loved him in the end, she wasn’t sure if she even believed it herself. Spike could read right through her - his final words filled with the certainty that she had just lied to him and herself. She had felt horrible that this was how he had departed from this world - sacrificing himself, knowing he was unloved. 

Oh, damn, what good was the Sanshu if you were only human for mere minutes? Buffy was going to make Angelus pay for this. 

She got right in between Spike and Angelus - right into the face of the demon. “Back off!” 

“Or what?” He gave her another mocking grin. “You gonna push me around until you get all hot and bothered? Well, come on, I can take it. I like PAIN.” 

Buffy was disgusted with him. She sneered. 

“Oh, don’t be like that, Buff. I hear good old Spikey-boy here used to give it to you after a particularly good brawl. You’d let him fuck you as long as you got to beat the shit out of him first.” 

Buffy slapped Angelus hard across the face. 

“Oh, now that’s what I’m talking about!” Angelus grinned devilishly. He shoved her up against the wall and began kissing her roughly. She bit back, but he only seemed to revel in it. 

“Get the fuck off of me!” She screamed. But she was between a rock and a hard place. To really defend herself, she needed her legs - and some maneuvering room. Yet Spike was directly beneath her, moaning in agony. She didn’t want to disturb him - he was in too much pain. Angelus was too smart - maneuvering her into this position - counting on her compassion for Spike to give him the advantage. 

“You don’t really mean that.” 

As Angelus began ripping away at her shirt, Buffy started to panic. He saw it in her eyes and it made his own glow. He loved inducing fear. He was getting a rise out of this. “I know you don’t really mean that. You know how I know?” 

Buffy whimpered as Angelus gave Spike a good hard kick to the ribs. She fought even harder against him, but he had her pinned firmly against the wall now. He vamped out his face so he no longer looked like her beautiful Angel, and he growled into her ear, “Because even after this loser tried to rape you, you still shared his bed! And now you’re claiming that you don’t want your Angel?” 

He pulled back away and had gone back to his human visage. He stroked her face in a mockery of Angel’s tenderness. “I just don’t believe you Buffy. Soulboy is truly dead this time - never to come back. But even though he’s dead I still have his body and I can fuck you with it. I know you want to feel Angel. One. . . last. . . time.” 

She could not look at the monster wearing Angel’s face. She focused on Spike. They looked at each other and wept. Spike was barely holding on to consciousness, but still he was aware of what was about to happen. 

Spike made an effort to attack Angelus. But it was futile. All he managed to do was grab Angelus by the ankle and give it a little shake. The older vampire easily kicked free, “Pathetic. I can’t believe you let a worthless piece of shit like that inside of you - that you let him degrade you like that. He is beneath you. I’m going to show you how to fuck a real vampire, babe.” 

Maybe it was all the fighting she had done that day, maybe it was her desire to protect Spike, or maybe on some level she really did want to re-connect with Angel. Whatever it was, Buffy knew she was going to let Angelus rape her. She gave up in an instant - just like she had with Glory. She knew it was game over. 

Angelus knocked her to the ground beside Spike. 

“Ready for a show? Need your grandsire to show you how it’s done?” Angelus winked at Spike. 

Spike was fighting just to remain conscious. 

But the fall to the ground damaged Buffy as well. It was beyond getting the wind knocked out of her. Something was seriously wrong. The “quick healing” of a Slayer just wasn’t going to be quick enough this time. Her spirit had crumbled - her body close behind. Amazing how things work sometimes. 

Angelus peered over her, trying to imitate or mock Angel, she couldn’t tell which. All she knew is that he wanted her to suffer. He even went so far as to reverse the claddagh ring that he still wore. He took it off and touched the cold metal of the ring to the scar on her neck that she had from when Angel had bitten her. It was a strange sensation to feel that ring on her old scar. It almost felt like Angel was there with them somehow. But perhaps that’s what Angelus intended. After putting the ring back on the other way, he stroked her face and hair and tried to gaze at her with a loving look that just fell short. Now his fingers traced the scar and he said to her, “He may have taken you there, but I am going to take you somewhere else entirely.” 

It felt like a threat. It was. 

In a flourish, he ripped off her skirt and underwear, throwing them on top of Spike. 

“That’s as close as you’ll ever get to her again.” Angelus sneered. “Fucking pansy.” 

He gripped each of Buffy’s thighs in his large hands and roughly spread them apart. He was already raising bruises on her skin underneath his strong fingers. Buffy gasped in fear. Oh, why did she have to be this injured right now? Why couldn’t she move when she really really needed to? 

Angelus found the equivalent vein to the jugular in her thigh and sank his teeth in deeply, causing Buffy to moan in pain. Spike’s eyes were frantic, but he had no strength to move against his grandsire. Angelus had both a former vampire and slayer under his complete control. 

“You know, if you take too much, she’s gonna die, mate.” Spike weakly uttered, hoping that Buffy’s death was not something Angelus wanted. He hit the mark. 

Angelus raised his head and came out of his blood-fed stupor slowly. He let out a guttural groan of satisfaction, and unbuckled his pants, marveling at the dread in Buffy’s eyes. She was weaker than normal, but she wasn’t weakened so much that this wouldn’t still be fun. He smiled smugly again. 

“You know Buffy, Angel really loved you. He just couldn’t stand to be around you because of. . .” he paused. 

“What? Because of what?” 

“You know.” 

Buffy was crying a little. She was so ashamed. She really didn’t want to give Angelus the satisfaction of knowing how scared she was. And now she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of hurting her, but she had to know. She figured Angelus would be cruel enough to tell her the awful truth and the curiosity fueled by her insecurity was insistent. 

“No, I don’t know,” she whimpered, “Angelus please. Tell me why?” 

“Don’t pet,” she heard Spike try to warn her softly. 

“Well, not only do you leave much to be desired in bed,” with that he settled himself in between her thighs, getting ready to violate her. “Lying there like a dead fish and all - but you know, that other thing. . .” 

Buffy started crying as the fear of her imminent rape and also at the frustration of getting no answer from him undid her normal stoic resolve. 

Angelus just kept himself on top of her, pinning her to the ground as he slowly began humming an unfamiliar tune. The hand that bore the claddagh ring softly began caressing her forearm, turning over her palm. His fingers twined with hers. Angel. Oh, God. A small spark of Angel was in that gesture. It was unbearable. 

“Please. . .” she begged, not daring to look at the demon that wore Angel’s face. 

Spike had found her other hand and was placing a small wooden object into it. She could meet his eyes without shame or fear. He smiled lightly and nodded at her. Her hand clenched tightly around the stake - she nodded back. 

She was so relieved. Spike had given her hope that she could get out of this - she just had to wait for the time when Angelus least expected it to make her move. But she still wanted her question answered before he died. 

“Please tell me, Angel.” 

He grinned like a confident wolf, hearing her speak the wrong name. “You know, that thing. Damn, Buffy - I can’t believe you can’t see what’s staring you right in the face. No guy in his right mind would EVER stay with you.” 

And with that he growled and shoved his cold hard cock inside of her - ripping her open. Drawing blood. He felt like angry unyielding steel - like the steel of a sword. Painful. She knew it was the perfect time to strike.


	6. Chapter 6

As the stake plunged into his heart, her torturer’s face dramatically changed.

“Buffy?” was his parting phrase as Angel dissolved before her eyes. Seconds with Angel, only seconds. His hand clung on. The fingers that had been entwined in hers were the last to go. 

When they finally disintegrated, his ring was all that was left, and it rested in the palm of her hand. She was coated in soot - the ashes of her love. 

She heard a groan beside her. Spike. Minutes with Spike, she had only minutes. 

She rolled over and dragged her way towards to him. They were already in close proximity of each other so she could manage it. She cradled his head in one palm, never letting go of Angel’s ring in the other. She wanted to give Spike comfort while as he died this time. It wouldn’t be long now. 

“Funny, I don’t seem to recall that being mortal could hurt so much.” He tried to laugh, but it came out as a grimace. 

“Oh, it hurts alright. It hurts.” 

“Yes it does, luv. Yes it does,” Spike noticed Buffy holding something close to her heart with her other hand. He had a feeling he knew what it was and sighed. “You know luv, what he said. . .” 

Buffy choked up a little and Spike paused to consider his words carefully. “He was just trying to get a rise out of you - you know Angelus. Pet, there’s nothing wrong with you.” 

She couldn’t hold back the floodgates any more. Deep tears came, “Then why does everyone leave me?” 

“I never did. I never would.” 

She gazed into his eyes and abruptly stopped crying. She had never fully realized it, but he was right. And that was the second he chose to die. 

She felt horrible, cradling his dead body in her arms, weeping. Yet, she still didn’t love him. Even in death, she couldn’t give him that. She was still dead inside. Angel had ruined her.


	7. Epilogue

In the misty heat of the cleansing shower, Buffy pondered. 

“He’s the vampire, you’re the Slayer. It’s obvious what you need to do here.” 

Xander’s simple advice came back to her as Angel washed off of her in droves. She had done her part. Now that Angel was dust, there was no coming back for him. And now that Spike had died as a mortal, the same could be said for him. There would be no more vampires in her life. 

Buffy didn’t care what was going on in the outside world anymore - as soon as she had recovered enough to walk she left Los Angeles and found her way back to Sunnydale. 

It took what felt like hours for Angel’s ashes to be cleansed from her skin by the warm water. When he had all but left her, underneath was Spike’s mortal blood. She touched it, recalling how she didn’t even recognize him at first, breathing and all. His gift of receiving the Sanshu must have cost Angel his soul. Angel must have chosen poorly. She sighed and watched her vampire lovers Angel and Spike swirl together down the drain and out of her life forever. 

She stepped out of the shower and found a necklace chain. She threaded her and Angel’s Claddagh rings onto it and fastened it about her neck. Cold dead circles - the lifeless metallic symbols of what she and had Angel shared. 

Part of Angel felt like it would be inside of her for eternity. She could never fully get clean. She would never be free of him. 

“Forever.” 

She looked up into the mirror with eyes so dead they appeared soulless. 

“I will never love again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a personal note: I met my husband though our mutual love of Buffy. I read this fic to him the night we got together so it is very special to me. The rest as they say is history. :-)


End file.
